Avoidant Behavior in Relationships
The Core Pattern
Have you ever had an instant connection with someone, and things moved fast? You think, Wow, this could be it—this could be my person. I feel alive and seen again. Then, slowly but surely, he pulls away when you try to offer your love. Ladies—we have an avoidant on our hands.
I’ve been through so many of these patterns (ugh, exhausting!). The first thing I start to notice is that when I open up emotionally, they become hesitant and deflect any deeper, more vulnerable reactions. I instantly feel depressed and sad. I already know what’s about to happen—they’re going to shut down and disappear. I show up with my authentic truth, willing to give all of my love, and bam—door shut.
I go from imagining what our future could look like—supporting each other’s growth, happiness, love, joy. I picture my independence and abundance supported by a partner who’s also my best friend. Those kinds of connections don’t come around often. It feels magnetic, like I’m a kid again and the weight of the world doesn’t seem so heavy. For once, I want to let someone in and support me.
But then reality hits, and the dream dies. Logically, my brain still supports his soul’s journey—wants him to find himself—and loves him from afar. But my heart aches at yet another karmic lesson that hits my abandonment wound.
Why I Stayed
I clung to the good moments - the warmth, the laughter, the rare emotional highs. I’m not much of a drug user, but I do drink alcohol on occasion—and when I do, I get this feel-good feeling, like I can let my hair down and have fun. However, if I go too hard the night before, I get a massive hangover and horrible symptoms—heart palpitations and anxiety the next day.
That’s what it’s like to be emotionally intoxicated by an avoidant. They give you these highs and lows of attention that feel like a drug. When they’re engaged, it feels good—you feel validated. But when they pull away, it’s like the drug wears off, and you’re left hungover.
For me, I get depressed—asking myself what I did wrong. Was I too much? Did I push too hard? Did I ruin it? One moment they open up and it feels like you’ve made a real connection. The next, they pull away and keep everything surface level. It’s confusing—and you just want that dopamine hit again.
The Turning Point
I realized I was giving more to him than I was giving to myself. I made the mistake of engaging with him when I knew he wasn’t ready for someone like me. I showed up consistent, open, vulnerable, and ready to receive. I knew he couldn’t meet me where I was, but I held out hope.
After a while, the waiting chips away at my self-confidence. I feel confused, torn up inside, and thoughts of him consume my mind all day and night. The hardest part is knowing there is literally nothing I can do—except bring the energy back to myself. What I was pouring into him, I have to bring back to me. He’s not ready, and my cup is empty. I can’t rescue him—and it takes everything in me to break this habit.
And let me be real with you—I am super proud of how far I’ve come since my marriage, relationships with narcissists, avoidants, and all the situationships. But healing isn’t linear. You don’t just wake up one day and go, Okay, I healed from that!
I understand why I get myself into these patterns. It’s part of my childhood wound—abandonment, learning that I had to perform to earn love… yada, yada. It’s still a part of me every day, and I have to make a conscious decision to choose myself. Otherwise, I’ll stay stuck in this pattern for god knows how long.
I’ll tell you this, though—it does get easier to choose yourself. It’s not automatic, but you become stronger. Trust me. Choosing to detach is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. It’s time to take all that love you wanted to give him—and give it to yourself.
How Avoidant’s Experience Love
An avoidant is emotionally unavailable, but not in the obvious way. He’s not some cold-hearted player—he actually feels a lot. The problem is, he doesn’t know what to do with those feelings.
He shows up just enough to look emotionally available, but when you really need him—he shuts down. Not because he doesn’t care, but because he was never taught how to hold emotional weight.
Love to him feels like pressure. Vulnerability feels like danger. And your open, grounded energy? It’s a mirror that reflects back all the ways he hasn’t grown.
He overthinks everything, avoids hard conversations, and keeps one emotional foot out the door. He wants intimacy, but not the responsibility that comes with it.
It’s like he ordered a meal he’s not hungry enough to eat—but doesn’t know how to send it back without feeling like a bad person.
You give, he retreats. You step back, he reappears. But when he returns, he’s not offering anything different—just the same breadcrumb trail of half-connection and hope.
Your presence makes him feel something. Your absence makes him panic.
But instead of rising to meet you, he spirals in silence.
When you detach, it hurts him—but it also helps him. That silence forces him to sit with himself.
Sometimes your absence is what activates their awakening more than your devotion ever could.
But here's the truth:
If you’re always the one holding emotional space for him, who's holding space for you?
His story isn’t yours to finish.
You were the mirror. The catalyst. The soft place he never knew he needed—until it was gone.
And now… it’s your time to rise.
If you are struggling with this push-pull dynamic, download my free 14-Day “I Choose Me” Guide for journal prompts, nervous system resets, and self-love rituals that help you break the pattern and come back home to yourself.
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My Emotional Fallout
I was addicted to the potential—chained to a version of him that didn’t even exist. On one side of the coin, we had this incredible connection. High energy, exciting, open. I could really see us working through our shit together and building a kickass partnership.
But on the other side of the coin—that was a fantasy, not grounded in reality. This dynamic activated my darkest wounds of abandonment. I felt trapped, obsessed, and shameful. I sacrificed my peace for an illusion. I kept tabs on him, wondering what he’s doing, how he’s doing, and if he’ll ever contact me.
I feel like I’ve put my life on hold too many times—and I just can’t live like that anymore.
How I Healed
Healing comes down to one simple principle: always bring the energy and love back to yourself. When your mind is in chaos, remember the peaceful life you’ve built for yourself. When you’re in doubt, remember how much you’ve worked on yourself—and how the right person will love you and receive all of you. When you’re seeking closure, remember where he is right now and how he needs to find himself before he can even think about filling your cup.
That’s the thing—I have so much compassion and empathy for him that I can easily forgive. I can understand, but I cannot stay in the dynamic as it is right now. I can take the lesson, tuck it into my healing toolbox, and send him the most loving energy—that he, too, might learn to love himself the way I do.
We all have a soul journey on this earth, and it’s not easy. We have to detach from outcomes and continue loving unconditionally. That being said, you are not responsible for anyone else but yourself. So you have to keep going—continue on life’s adventure and focus on what’s next for you.
You deserve the kind of love you give. Don’t give it away freely to someone who isn’t ready to receive it.
A Message for You
If you’re still stuck in this dynamic, take a moment and think about your life. Do you know who you are outside of a relationship? What are your hobbies, your inspirations, your daily routines? What does your ideal partner look like? How does he make you feel? What kind of life do you want to co-create with him?
Are you at peace—and have you worked so hard to get to this place that you won’t let anything disrupt that?
It might feel like you’re giving up on him or abandoning him, but you’re not. In fact, you’re doing the most loving thing for him by letting him go to answer those questions for himself.
And you? You are not abandoning yourself. You’re giving yourself unconditional love and filling your cup back up. If it’s meant to be, he will return. But if not, trust that the door will open to something even better.
Trust life. Let it flow. Go do the things that light you up again—things that bring you joy.
You deserve it.
5 Simple Ways to Start Taking Your Power Back
1. Pay Attention to Your Body
If something feels off—like your chest tightens, your stomach sinks, or you feel drained—that’s your body trying to tell you the truth. You don’t need to explain it. Just notice it.
2. Write a Letter to Your Younger Self
Imagine the little version of you is sitting next to you. What would you say to help them feel safe and loved? Write it down. Let them know you’re here now—and they’re not alone anymore.
3. Practice Saying One Loving No
You don’t need to change everything overnight. Just try saying no one time today to something that doesn’t feel good. You can be kind and still protect your peace.
4. Create a 5-Minute Check-In
Start a tiny ritual just for you. Light a candle, write one sentence in a journal, take a deep breath, or pull a card if you’re into that. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about reconnecting to you.
5. Look for Your People
Spend time with people who make you feel safe, heard, and supported. Even if it’s just one person or an online space—it matters. You don’t have to do this alone.
✨ Comment below if this resonated. What’s one step you're taking today to choose yourself? Let's build a community of healing and unconditional love—together.
Next Steps
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